you know when you write out an entire post and you go to answer a text and go back to insta and it’s entirely gone? yeah, that just happened.
I was talking to a “grief friend” today and said these words. I was referencing someone else’s grief, but man they stopped me in my tracks.
HEALING ISN’T LINEAR.
I am such an advocate for expressing your emotions, giving yourself space to feel, and being kind to yourself. And I MEAN those words when I say them. But I am the last person to take my own advice. It’s so easy to say them and even believe them, but so hard to stop your own habits and practice them.
There are some days that the weight of my loss feels 100x heavier than its ever been and I swear that I’ll never be able to peel myself out of bed and stand up. There are days the weight on my soul, my heart and my lungs is suffocating, burying. There are days I can’t go more than 15 minutes without crying. There are days I have no idea how I made it 3 years because I swear I won’t be able to make it another 3 minutes.
Then, there are other days I don’t shed a single tear. Don’t get me wrong, the pain is still deafening. The pain will never go away. Ever. But there are days I feel my head is screwed on the right way. Days I feel like I can take a deep breath without falling apart. There are days I feel I can survive this. That I can do this.
And suddenly, without a trigger or a reason, in an instant I can be back in the pits of it all. Unsure how I’ll even take my next breath without cracking into a million pieces.
It can happen because of an anniversary. It can happen because of a song. It can happen because of a smell. It can happen because of a memory.
But it can also happen because I’m happy. Or because I’m laughing.
Or it can happen without a because. It can happen because of nothing. It can happen because of everything.
I can be up one minute and down in the pits of the lows the next.
It can be so devastating when you think you’re doing okay, and then you’re a mess. It can be frustrating, it can be discouraging.
But healing ISN’T linear. Be kind to yourself. There is no guidebook. It is one big mess and that's ok. That’s normal